Everything feels so bleak, nothing in the present is truly exciting. I feel like I've failed on everything my past self and a bit of my present still wants. Writing this wont change anything, neither would thinking about why I failed. The mind thinks up of a billion reasons to blame our failures upon but when it sleeps, it knows that the only reason it failed was because of itself. That is a tough reality to come to terms with but the reality nonetheless. That is what I'm trying to do. Accountability. I want to forget. Want to move on, no matter how hard I try this baggage will always drag me down regardless of how much I might try to repress it and forget about it. This is my way of talking to myself in a way that would bring me comfort, there is no one else except myself that would get what I'm going through and/or help me with it.

Sometimes I fail to understand what is the point of it all, when everyone regardless of their place in society would be reduced to dust anyway. Perhaps, it is the desire to leave behind a legacy, a way that you can live on longer than others, a way to try and be that rock endures the wrath of time. 

The future seems bright, like it always has. Whether it naive optimism or not is something that I can't answer yet. I think it is this future "yet to come" utopia that drives most of us forward. Sort of this way of getting drunk and forgetting or subduing our not so ideal or perfect present.

I think it is the biggest curse and blessing to an intelligent species like ourselves. It drives us to do more than we could do yesterday but it also traps us in this never ending cycle where we can't just stop for a few moments and appreciate what we have. What makes it worse is the fact that our compatriots won't let us wait and do just that. There's this itch to make things moving which wont let them.

This is the clash between the primitive humans that walked the earth ages ago and the more enlightened humans that rule the planet now. An unending war in every human's mind. The day one conquers these primitive feelings and keep them on their helm, using it to their advantage. One can harness greatness of epic proportions. 

This is what I desire. This is what I'm seeking. This is the part of me that most people will never understand but I must keep going no matter how hard it gets. 

 

I trust in myself, I believe in myself. I really do. Just wish that more people did that as well, wish that they pushed me to get out there and take risks, stumble, get up and rise again. Instead they endorse the coward's way of playing it safe. 

One can't conquer the seas if they never sail past the beach.  

Whoever reads this, I wish you strength and prosperity. Don't be lazy and build in yourself an extremely competitive spirit. It'll get you far in life, it'll get me far in life. Farther than most men can only dream of.